Don’t be sorry…………..
People pleasing is a bad habit no one talks about. It’s painful and mentally damaging. Hopefully this rant helps some of you identify and overcome the habit of people pleasing.
The last few months I have come to some very harsh realities. I want to share this experience to help others not fall into this pit of people pleasing.
The past few years I have been moving about life in the wrong way. I don’t want anyone to be offended or feel attacked, this is just a self evaluation I have been wanting to post for several months. I have been doing things “for the sake of serving God” or “being a good friend or supporting my family”.
I’ll give u an example. Lord knows sitting through a orchestra performance is something I have the least interest in doing. Honestly would rather wash the thanksgiving dishes 🤷🏽♀️. However, if someone I love is playing I will sacrifice my plans go to that performance, be attentive, buy the items at vendor tables all in the name of “showing support”. There is nothing wrong with this as a one time thing or when you have space to do it. The problem is when you don’t have the capacity and someone is still expecting you to show up with the same energy.
I realized I was over extending myself in multiple areas just trying to be supportive of everyone & everything.
Eventually my identity got lost in all these things others needed from me & I was not enjoying life or doing things for myself.
I had been over extending myself for years not realizing my identity was being reshaped and I was being stretched so far I became useless and without form. It is ok to be stretched but this was beyond stretching & eventually the expectations became unrealistic and not mutual. I always receive a ton of advice but anytime I needed physical help/presence I was pretty much on my own or a few would respond. I never took it personal and allowed people to help at whatever capacity they could. Lord forbid if I need the same grace because my capacity adjusted, things somehow led to me apologizing for not being able to be over extended with little consideration for why I’m not able………. 🤔 #PlotTwist
I went through a loss and became frustrated with life. During this time I noticed 90% of the things I did socially I did not enjoy or were for other people.
I was emotional, stressed, fighting a new stage of depression. Sitting in atmospheres where I had to be over extended stressed me out even more. I didn’t have the strength to give off the energy I typically would or to sacrifice my own comfort trying to be supportive or a good host.
I eventually started to adjust and of course my “no” became questionable (which stressed/annoyed me even more). What I was interpreting was, “Why are you concerned about yourself when I need you”. I started to be more concerned with disappointing people rather than what I needed. People pleasing at its peak!
The truth that I wanted to say:
-“I’m not going bcuz I don’t want to”
-“No don’t come by because I’m not in a social mood”
– “I don’t enjoy being around him/her and I usually sacrifice because they are your friends but I can’t today”
-“I just don’t enjoy doing that”
all can be offensive, especially coming from someone who just enjoys everything to please everybody, right?
The truth needed to be said because I needed the expectation of me to end. You need to know I don’t enjoy your choir so I’m not coming to your musical, or I’m not coming to your church with you because it’s an environment that is based more on how I look rather than my heart for God and I don’t need that in my space. Yes, I have free time and no I’m not using it to help you with an event I want to binge watch a Netflix show and take a 30min bath. Of course I have $50, but I’m not loaning it to you because you’re in the hair shop every week and eat out every night, make better choices. Lastly I don’t want to hang out because I don’t want to listen to your issues in which you’re not doing anything to change, I just enjoy sitting alone in my peace.
I’m not blaming anyone but myself for allowing this to go on for so long and I’m surely not sorry for how I feel.
Take this lesson and be okay with what you want to do with your time and resources and don’t be sorry for it. It’s cool to be there for people but don’t allow it to become a job that you never applied to. Stick to your no.